July 14, 2020
By: H. Elizabeth Williams
Dear Younger Hannah,
It's not your fault. It never was.
I know things always seem like they're going to be easy. You're always so headstrong and stubborn, thinking that you can do everything if you set your mind to it, but this isn't one of those cases and I need you to listen to me. I need you to actually listen to what I have to say. Something bad is going to happen to you and you won't be able to stop it. You’re not going to be strong enough. You need to stop trusting so easily. I'm not saying what's going to happen is going to be your fault. NONE of this is your fault so please know that. What’s going to happen to you is going to almost break you, but you’ll be okay one day I know it. Looking back at you, my younger self, you were so innocent. You always wanted to be an adult and wanted to grow up so fast, but maybe we should’ve taken our time. You were so young, naive and trustworthy. Sure, you cussed like a sailor because you thought it was cool and thought you were a bad bitch most of high school and that’s why no one talked to you, but you were truly oblivious to the real world. I mean this is coming from the girl who was bullied from first grade to freshman year of high school and you didn’t even notice until it all hit you at once sophomore year. You never really had a chance to learn what the real world is like the easy way and I’m sorry you were always so sheltered from the truth that lies out in the world. I’m so sorry you had to learn the hard way. You knew what rape was and you knew what assault was and you would stand up for anyone going through that blindly, but you never truly understood the true effect it had on people.
Soon, you’ll know what it’s like to be abused by someone you thought you loved, assaulted and violated in the worst way possible. You’ll know what it’s like to have been raped and it will tear you apart. You’re going to be in a state of denial after it. You’re going to dye your hair bright red, party all the time with strangers and try to throw your life away. Your going to lose friends, but that’s okay because true friends will stay by your side through thick and thin. It will be a state of recklessness and carelessness. You’ll feel numb because you don’t want to face what happened to you and that’s understandable but you need to snap out of it.
I never wanted that for you. I wanted you to thrive at that college and become the journalist that’s going to change the biased industry that it is. I had no idea that college would betray you if you reported that sexual assault. Now I understand why you didn’t report the rape. I mean if they didn’t believe you were sexually assaulted by a senior who already had several other reports why would they believe that a random drug dealer broke into your residence hall and violated you. Let me tell you something, it didn’t matter if they believed you or not. They didn’t want to take the fault for not having better security and they had to keep you quiet. You thought that the school would protect you like they promised. I had no idea that they would protect the guy and actually want him to graduate. I thought a Title IX coordinator was supposed to be there for the survivor, not for the assaulter. That’s what you were always taught so I can’t blame you for reporting it right away, but we learned our lesson. You’re going to learn not to trust so easily. It’s going to be harder for you to make true friends or have a good relationship for awhile but that’s okay. You need time to work on yourself.
I wanted you to be aware but safe. I wanted you to be safe and sound and I regret this everyday, how I couldn’t protect you. I cry just thinking about it. How i couldn’t protect the one thing I should have control over: my innocence. You’re going to wish you fought back but there is no way you could have. He had his hand around your neck for gosh sakes! One wrong move and you would’ve been dead by his hands. You were scared, terrified even. I can’t blame you for freezing up instead of screaming your lungs out. The truth is you broke. You were in an abusive relationship already back home, he assaulted you on the daily but you were too oblivious, thinking that’s actually what love was supposed to be like. But it’s not and you realized that as soon as a stranger violated you in such a disgusting and vile way. You realized that that boy back home didn’t love you, he assaulted you just like this stranger was. You had been raped before but you didn’t want to face the fact that a person you believed you loved at the time could do something like that. You broke and I can’t blame you for that. You didn’t have a fighting chance back then.
Sadly, I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember every single detail of that night. PTSD will do that to you. You’re going to think you had a fighting chance that you gave up but you really didn’t. His hand was around your neck. I mean your veins were practically popping out because of how hard he was squeezing. You could’ve died that night and you need to face that fact. You’re always going to say to yourself “well if only I had locked the door it wouldn’t have happened” but you need to accept the fact that it DID in fact happen and there was nothing you could do. What if’s aren’t going to help you move on. You need to advocate for yourself. Life has given you more experience and knowledge. You’re not the naive girl you once were. After all this you are stronger than ever before. Many were surprised to see you still here and alive after all that. You didn’t give up. Give yourself some credit.
You have so much anger pent up in you that eventually you need to let go of it. I mean the school didn’t even give you due process. They never listened to your side of the story and kicked you out so they didn’t have to deal with the repercussions. So yes, of course you have a right to be angry. You’re angry at the world for not protecting you like it promised. We had our innocence ripped from us by a man who claimed to love you by also hitting you whenever you stepped out of line. We had our happiness and security stripped from us by two men on two different occasions. One a senior and one a drug dealer who broke into your dorm room. We had our hope taken from us by a school that was supposed to protect you. It's not your fault. None of it was your fault. Hell, I’m mad at myself because I couldn’t protect you from the monsters of this world. I always thought monsters were like the ones under your bed, never thought it would be someone I thought I loved or a stranger with ill intentions. But this anger will drag you down if you don’t let it go. It will stick with you for as long as you let it and will attach itself to you like a virus and never let go so long as you don’t let go. If you do that then they win. Don’t let them win, Hannah. They already took enough from you don’t let them take your well-being and happiness. You need to let go and move on. Forgive yourself.
There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop this. It was already in the making, but don’t let your past take over the rest of your life. Live again, Hannah. Look at the reality of things. What are the chances of that ever happening to you again? And do you think you’ll respond the same way? No. You’re much stronger than you were before. Forgive and let go. And trust me, it’s going to be a process, but it needs to be done in order for you to be healthy again.
You’re a beautiful young girl with a bright future ahead of you. Sure, you hit a bump in the road and it’s going to take some time to heal but don’t let that stop you from doing what you want to do in life and becoming the great talented person I know you are.
Love,
Your future self :)