BEFORE YOU READ: I am not generalizing about men here. I always address articles like these to the offenders, so if you're not one of them then it shouldn't offend you. These are my frustrations as a woman when it comes to toxic masculinity. Enjoy.
July 31, 2019
By: H. Elizabeth Williams
Boys will be boys. No, boys will be what they are taught. It’s not my fault that Johnny here wants to sexually assault me because my shoulder was showing. My sisters and I shouldn’t have to be taught to never leave our drinks alone. Maybe, and this is just a thought, teach boys not to drug someone.
No matter what we do we just can’t please you, can we? Not that we want to, but it just baffles me how your logic works. If we say yes, we’re sluts. If we say no, you’re upset that you’re “friend zoned.” If we call you out on it, we’re bitches. Well, then consider this article me being the wicked bitch of the west.
While on the topic, the ‘friend zone’ concept is complete bullshit. Having your dumb friend Chad drill the whole “If you go to a girls place and watch an entire movie till the end you have failed as a guy” concept into your head is toxic masculinity at its finest. Stop planting ideas like this in young men. They find themselves watching a movie at a girls place and to avoid being a failure, they force sex and ignore consent. Then you tweet out that men are trash when you are a contributor to such toxicity. Do better.
Saying a woman’s idea of “let's just be friends” is “hey listen to all my problems and keep me company… while I have sex with someone else” clearly shows someone has misinformed you. That’s what friendship is! You’re not entitled to sex just because you’re nice or a “good guy.” A woman can not be interested in you like that and still want you in her life.
Misogyny is assuming that being witty or funny somehow makes a woman “unlike other girls”. When a guy says “you’re not like other girls,” he’s admitting that he has a generally low regard for your entire gender but is willing to make an exception for you. This is not a compliment. F**k that shit. I am a cumulative whirlwind force, imbued with the strength of every woman I've ever known. We’re not all in competition for your dick. Sit down.
Masculinity implies strength and power, with violence or the threat of violence underpinning the power exerted by the dominant men. Violence in personal relationships is often accepted and normalized. Sexism and the violence that comes with it leads to women being beaten, murdered, and raped inside their own homes by people they know, whether it be family, neighbors or co-workers. As NCRB data for 2015 shows, in over 95% cases of rape the offender is known to the victim.
However, as much as it harms women, patriarchy hurts men too. While it may help men gain power over women it also keeps men tied to roles they may not always like or be comfortable with.
Masculinity demands demands that men be unemotional, and sexually aggressive. The stereotypical male is expected to be interested in sex almost at all times. For a lot of people, emotional and psychological intimacy are often part of the bond while having sex. Yet, patriarchy calls for the absence of emotion from sex as the norm, and present it to us as a basic male trait.
I don't believe in nagging. I do believe that men are socialized to diminish, ignore and disregarded what women say, forcing us to repeat ourselves into exasperation. I’ll cuss you the fuck out. Women give men too much mercy. We’re trained from a very young age to tiptoe around their egos. I will raise my daughters to be the exact opposite. Rip them to shreds.
In my personal experience, women raise their voices because they feel they aren’t being listened to. Men raise their voices because they feel they aren’t being obeyed.
Most men believe they are the superior sex. That they are the only ones who can be strong and smart and earn the most money. Why? Who drilled that into your poor minds? What’s so wrong about being equal? That doesn’t make you weak that makes you stronger than the rest.
Men don’t blink an eye when a movie doesn’t even have one complex character who doesn’t serve as a love interest or eye candy but go bad shit crazy over one superhero movie which happens to have a female lead and a handful of other complex female characters, but still at least three complex male characters as well… Women make up 50% of the population. This is what accurate representation looks like, you’re just not used to it.
Some people are interpreting “toxic masculinity” as saying ‘masculinity is toxic,’ which it is not. It's perfectly ok to be strong, manly and engage in traditionally “masculine” activities as long as you don’t bully or abuse others. By saying “Women are weak, men are strong,” you are proving my point. Male domination would have us believe that the powerful and strong have precedence over the weak. As a consequence, not only do men dominate women, but also weaker, less powerful men, or men of lower class.
Men are taught from a young age that ‘men don’t cry’ and to ‘man up’, forcing them to suppress their emotions. The only legitimate emotion men are allowed to express is anger and aggression.They are expected to wake up and earn a living, to play a sport and to be adventurous. Women are expected to stay home and do the nurturing and caregiving work.
Men are expected to be the main (and in some cases, sole) providers in the family, to earn enough to keep the electricity running and family fed. No wonder, men with working wives are ridiculed as “not wearing the pants!.” And the ultimate horror – a woman who earns more than her partner; the man is emasculated beyond repair. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
It’s is all about being the ‘tough guy’ but at its heart lies a deep seated fear of the feminine. Any appearance of the traits seen as feminine, such as being emotionally expressive or vulnerable, and a man is forever marked as “weak.” Emotional stability is not linked to gender, get over yourself.
I’d like you to be in a woman’s shoes just for one day. You may not think we have it bad but there will ALWAYS be social constructs that hold us back.
For instance, if you take a young man and woman and they both tell a stranger that they work in the same restaurant, it's very likely that they will assume that the woman is the waitress and the young man is the cook. But I thought a woman's place was in the kitchen? Not when she’s getting paid for it. To society, a woman's place is always one of servitudes.
(Reminder: Female privilege is getting to claim a headache to avoid sex. Female oppression is having to claim physical illness to avoid sex because men won’t take a simple fucking “no” for an answer. Female oppression is men being so entitled that they think being denied sex is oppressive.)
You know a cool thing you can do with male privilege? When another dude is being inappropriate, you can tell them to shut the fuck up.
Don’t call us dramatic. You don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. A man in a room full of women is ecstatic. A woman in a room full of men is terrified.
Instead of ignoring or mocking our issues, how about you listen. There’s always a problem when women try to talk about women’s issues with some men and it looks a little something like this:
Woman: This is a problem for women.
Man: No it isn't.
Woman: Well, it isn't for most men, but many women face this issue.
Man: No they don’t. If it were a real problem you’d tell someone about it.
Woman: We’re literally telling you right now.
Man: But this isn't even an issue. I’ve never experienced this problem in my entire life.
Woman: That's because you are a man, and this is an issue that primarily affects women.
Man: That’s sexist.
Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. Society has ripped through all of us and telling us this is how we have to be. It’s not. Only you can control that. Instead of saying that we’ll “scare off guys with that feminist crap” try listening and engage in the conversation. I wish men would understand that when women are talking about feminism and rape culture, it’s not just a political conversation. It’s not about being a social justice warrior or whatever. It’s about our actual lives being shaped by misogyny since childhood, and the daily reality of living in fear of violence. This isn’t a game or philosophical debate. This is our lives.
And don’t start with me on the whole “So because I’m a white man my opinion doesn’t matter?” Society was built around your opinion. We live by your opinion. Your opinion doesn’t matter, because you never have anything new to contribute to the discussion. Your voice has always been heard. Please just shut up for ONCE and listen to what we have to say. Then let’s talk.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate men. I hate sexual predators. I hate domestic abusers. I hate people who slut shame, victim blame, gaslight, and tone police. I hate people who defend monsters from accountability. I hate people who say sexist slurs and treat the women in their life like property. I hate people who don't respect bodily autonomy. I hate the bullies who enforce gender roles and toxic masculinity. I hate people who deny certain genders their rights and opportunities. I hate people who abuse their privilege to perpetuate rape culture and patriarchy. And above all, I hate everyone who is silent in the face of injustice, because silence is complicity. I don't hate men. I hate misogyny. However, the Venn Diagram of men and people I just listed above looks like a circle for any woman or non-binary person to live comfortable. I want that to change, and if you want to call me a misandrist for thinking that men can and must do better I will wear that label proudly.
Let's not generalize about men, ladies. We have some faults as well, so we're not perfect. And if you are generalizing, here's a fun song to point out what you're doing wrong.
Enjoy :)
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