November 26, 2019
By: H. Elizabeth Williams
DISCLAIMER: If you've read any of my works before, you know I tend to not hold back on sass, attitude and details. This can be triggering/too much for some readers so PLEASE read at your own risk. Some of it can be... a lot, trust me I know I lived it. But, I write it for the people out there going through similar trauma to know they are not alone and to bring awareness to sensitive but important topics, like so.
I'm not going to go over the whole trauma story again, so if you're new here check the first two articles I ever posted on this Blog. Before I dive in to the specifics of todays' topic, I want the theme of this post to truly be about progress and overcoming. If you have made progress in something that you're proud of, please be proud of yourself too, no matter what it is. For some it may be progress made in a tough book because they have trouble reading, and for others it may be dealing with anorexia and hitting your goal weight for the month. Recognize your progress, show it off if you're comfortable and be proud of it!
What is my progress?... My progress is from last November to this November. For a quick catch up: A year ago, in the span of ONE month I was sexually assaulted by a senior who had 12 other victims, came to terms with my abusive relationship, was raped (by a drug dealer that broke into the residence hall) and kicked out of college for reporting both incidents because they protected the senior and didn’t want to be at fault for multiple things.
I am finally dealing with my bad behavior spirals, PTSD (anxiety), depression, and heart issues with extensive therapy. Now look at me on my way. Still got a long way to go, but definitely a huge improvement if I do say so myself. 💜(View from left to right)
Also, may I just say... Damn I'm looking fine during mental breakdowns (sarcasm). How am I single? No, but seriously raise your hands if you can pull off a hospital gown like that. Haha.
Do you guys know what Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) actually is? I was ignorant towards the whole term back in high school, not really taking it seriously but that was mostly because I was an obnoxious teenager who didn't know the seriousness of it. It wasn't until this year, when I was diagnosed with it myself, that I realized just how serious it is and how awful it is to endure.
There are four main types of symptoms:
1. Re-experiencing (repeatedly reliving) the trauma. This can be in the form of nightmares, flashbacks, or intense emotional or physical reactions to be a reminder of the trauma. These symptoms frequently leave you feeling like you're going crazy.
2. Hyper-arousal. This includes sleep problems, anger/irritability, concentration problems, always feeling on edge or on guard and being easily startled. These can also be introduced in a physical form such as a pounding heartbeat, sweating, dizziness, and rapid breathing. These symptoms keep you stressed and eventually exhausted.
3. Avoidance of trauma reminders. This may include trying not to think or talk about the trauma, or trying not to have feelings about it. It may also include staying away from activities, people, places and situations that bring up trauma memories. These symptoms leave you feeling apart from the people and surroundings in your life.
4. Emotional numbing. This includes losing interest in activities that used to be important to you, feeling detached or estranged from important people in your life, feeling unable to have normal emotions, and losing a sense that you have a long term future. These symptoms diminish your relationships with those closest to you.
I didn't believe my Psychologist when she diagnosed me, but after looking at all this research she gave me it honestly brought me back to reality a bit when I saw how much I was going though that was specified on here. I have nightmares at least three times a week that have me running from something or someone and eventually getting murdered. (For you dream interpreters out there, have fun!) And does anyone remember that period of time when I kept going to the hospital with heart issues? (If not, look at the pictures at the top). That is the hyperarousal and avoidance factors hard at work. My Cardiologist told me that it is common for our needs of confrontation with tragedy, when avoided, to manifest itself into different means to get your attention. So... Thanks, trauma. I'll be sending you the hospital bills, you twat.
Common Reactions To Trauma:
Fear and Anxiety
Re-experiencing the trauma
Increased arousal
Avoidance
Angry, irritable and are easily annoyed
Guilt and shame
Depression and grief
Self-Image and views
Use of alcohol and/or drugs
Just so you know... PTSD is TREATABLE. (Just thought I'd note that. Carry on.)
My Triggers (This is not a 'happens every time' kind of thing; It's unpredictable. So, it's not like I can't do these things, but I just have to proceed with a lot more caution and no one pressuring me if I do end up reliving the trauma):
Sometimes sexual contact: These triggers can include feeling the weight of someone on top of me, hickies or biting (since abuser thought that as a way of "branding me"), squeaky beds with springs (college bed I had when said incidents occurred), closing my eyes for a moment too long (this is just because when my eyes are closed I don't see the person I'm with after a while and it just feels like.. OKAY moving on!), etc. I just have to be a lot more careful with this one in particular. It's one of the reasons why I don't really hook up. I need to be familiar with them so I can be respectful to him by letting him know the situation beforehand. And, honestly, ladies and gents... If he can't be a man and handle that then the only thing that I'd be affected by is dodging a bullet.
Sleeping in the bedroom with the door unlocked/open: Self explanatory.
Feeling love and caring for someone or just love in general: Hannah's got trust issues and afraid of getting hurt again.
Going somewhere alone at night: Self explanatory.
Smelling Mediterranean kind of Febreze: People particularly questioned this one, and I think it's a good example for the fact that really anything can trigger a re-experience because it's so personal and therefore different. I can't smell this because... after I woke up it smelled heavily like sex and I was already going through enough. It's disgusting and traumatizing to have a victim smell that post-assault. So, I sprayed that EVERYWHERE in my room and on my person. Can't really be around it because it so easily triggers that memory and before you know it the Hoover Dam is flooded.
The phrase "Always and Forever": If you're a regular follower you know I am done talking about this dick-wad, but I know it helps some to have specific and personal examples, so I'm going to keep these few short and sweet: Used that term after laying hands on me to mean he "loved me" and that I'm "stuck with him."
Dressing rooms: As I mentioned earlier, self-image is a huge thing in my PTSD case because I thought I deserved all of that for awhile. I couldn't go into a dressing room alone, borderline anorexic for awhile from depression and honestly until recently I just couldn't truly look in the mirror and think one positive thought.
Therapists: That lady at the college had a mandatory counseling session with me, and resulted in her lying to me about the deadline for Rape-Kits. I could have gotten at least some speck of justice for myself.
Campus Police Officers: Dragged me out of my dorm room with no explanation as I cried hysterically in a severe panic attack.
Sometimes the smell of weed: Dick-wad was a big pot smoker.
The sound of a belt being unbuckled: Yeah, that's a no from me, sir.
Sometimes large crowds: I still haven't uncovered the reason for this yet in therapy. I honestly used to be so social and the party girl... I'm a public speaker for gosh-sakes... Guess I just need to re-adjust to crowded places in time.
Radio stations: Self explanatory.
Pregnancy tests: Dick-wad forced me to take them often.
Fear of not responding quick enough: Dick-wad punched through a wall when I didn't respond cause I was in the shower or at cheer practice (not a one time occurrence)
Impatient people- Dick-wad... Enough said.
My apologies for my absence, darlings. After reading this, you can see why I needed some me time. Ever since I came back from that stupid college I talked and talked about all the traumas that I went through at conferences and events... But, I never even processed what I was saying. I never wanted to admit to myself that all that shit actually happened to me in ONE MONTH. I knew it did but I didn't come to terms with it, and instead stored it in a locked room. I still don't want to admit it, but it has been exactly a year since then and something in my brain finally had enough, creating a hole in the locked room, where all tragedies that I can't face go after the fight or flight ceremony, and now one by one they are starting to bring themselves in front of me so I have no choice to confront them. And, if you saw my breakdown post two Monday's ago... You can see it's working.
I'm finally going to be okay again. Sure, it's going to be a while before I reach that mark, but looking at those pictures at the beginning... I say I'm doing a HELL of a lot better than a year ago. So, thank you. Thank you to all those who have continued to support me throughout all of this; even if it means reading through my silly blog to make sure I'm okay.
Okay lovelies! Stick around. I'm slowly making my way back to the activism world... And we know that can only mean trouble.
Perhaps, trouble in the form of a... book? Hmm. Stay tuned to find out. Happy Holidays, everyone!