December 21, 2019
By: H. Elizabeth Williams
A healthy dating relationship is based on EQUALITY and RESPECT, not power and control. Think about how you treat-and want to be treated- by someone you care about.
A Healthy Relationship:
Honesty and Responsibility
Not making excuses for your partner’s or your own actions
Admitting when you are wrong
Keeping your word
Not cancelling plans
Open Communication
Be able to express your feelings or opinions
Knowing it’s okay to disagree
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say
Intimacy
Respecting your partner’s boundaries
Respecting each other’s privacy
Not pressuring your partner
Being faithful
Physical Affection
Holding Hands
Hugging
Kissing
Sitting or standing with your arm on your partner’s shoulder
Respecting each other’s right to say no
Asking before acting
Fairness and Negotiation
Accepting change
Being willing to compromise
Working to find solutions that are agreeable to both people
Agreeing to disagree sometimes
Shared Responsibility
Making decisions together
Splitting or alternating the cost on dates
Doing things for each other
Going places you both enjoy
Giving as much as you receive
Respect
Paying attention to your partner even when your friends are around
Valuing your partner’s opinion even if it differs from yours
Listening to what your partner has to say
Trust and Support
Being supportive
Wanting the best for your partner
Knowing your partner likes you
Offering encouragement when necessary
Being okay with your partner having different friends
Unhealthy Relationship:
Minimization and Blame
Not accepting responsibility for your actions
Making a joke when you hurt your partner
Telling your partner everything is his/her fault
Acting like abuse is okay in the relationship
Intimidation
Yelling or screaming
Using a threatening tone
Talking down
Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner
Making your partner feel afraid
Tearing up pictures
Smashing gifts
Destroying objects
Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Comparing your partner to past partners
Flirting to make your partner jealous
Using drugs/alcohol to get sex
Pressuring your partner
Rape
Physical Abuse
Holding your partner so he/she can’t leave
Slamming him/her into a wall or locker
Hurting your partner where bruises don’t show
Grabbing
Slapping
Hitting
Shoving
Punching
Kicking
Threats
Saying you can’t live without your partner
Telling your partner you will leave him/her somewhere if they don’t do what you say
Constantly threatening to find someone else
Saying you will commit suicide if you break up
Domination
Treating your partner like a baby, property or servant
Making all the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet
Controlling who your partner sees or spends time with
Setting all of the rules in the relationship
Humiliation
Putting down your partner
Calling your partner names
Constant criticism
Making your partner feel like he/she is crazy
Humiliating your partner in front of people
Making your partner feel guilty
Embarrassing your partner
Possessiveness
Using jealousy as a sign of love
Accusing your partner of cheating on you
Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think, dress and act
Learn what is healthy and unlearn what is not healthy.
You know what’s happening to you is not right, but it becomes your normal almost. We were basically bystanders. Their low self-esteem causes them to lash out and we just happen to be a bystander and get in the crossfire. Don’t beat yourself up about it, because getting out of an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. Most women take six times to break up with their abuser, because when you leave they will be all nice to you so you get sucked back in just to go through the cycle once again. So, give yourself a break. It’s not easy.
Just remember that for them, it’s all about power, so you need to take that power back for yourself.
I never listened to people who warned me about my abuser, and hardly anyone that was my age at the time would have. Adolescents think they’re invincible, but as they get older they are more developed to realize that’s not the case at all. By then, you’re able to say “I clearly understand, and that’s not what I want in my life.”
It’s common to carry a lot of guilt after getting out of that type of relationship. I know I do. According to my abuser, everything was my fault and I heard it so much I eventually took it as being true. It’s not. I felt guilty for using his manipulative games against him, making the relationship all the more toxic, but I’m starting to learn I have no reason to be guilty of that. My psychiatrist told me that I was in ‘survival mode.’ I was relating to the person hurting me as a way to protect myself.
However, it’s going to take me some time to dig down to those core beliefs and see my faults in a realistic way. The negatives that are received and interpreted needs to be looked at through a realistic lenses, and you need to ask yourself: Is this actually true? Is this realistic?
That’s called Cognitive Restructuring.
This is where you see the world in an unrealistic, fearful and avoidant way. So, you need to restructure your thoughts and really see the world in a realistic and balanced way.
Again… It’s a cycle.
You have thoughts/memories about the incident → Emotions (You’re going to feel whatever you feel. You can’t change that) → Behavior: What do I do? (Using your coping skills is a good one here) → Response: Get your body to respond in a more calm way (Example: Deep breathing).
Take a look at a negative/guilty thought and ask yourself: ‘What does this mean to me?’. Then, break it down:
Negative thought
Intermediate
Core Beliefs (where is this coming from?)
You need to allow yourself to talk about your experience and share it so you’re able to realize the reality of your core beliefs with guilt and work on healing that.
I always say that ‘I should’ve done this’ or ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ but those are loaded words that go back to guilt and the truth is… You can’t go back in time. We have no control over some things in life, but some things we do have control over. We have control over our progress in getting better. Challenge your thinking, but know you’re going to feel what you feel; there is no changing that.
All this negative self-talk is basically a broken record; you start to believe it’s true.
Sure, this all shaped me for who I am now, even though I would’ve rather skipped that part of the process and learned in a less painful way like falling down the stairs, but whatever. There’s no going back; only moving forward.
I used to think that this all ruined my life… But, it didn’t and I’m not going to let it. Neither should you.
With that said, if any of you need help getting out of a domestic situation, know there are options out there for you:
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
OR, if you just need to talk to someone with a similar experience (when it comes to domestic violence/sexual assault), just know my direct messages are always open: Eliza.Speaks. Just know you’re not alone.